Vertigo

Lynd Ward Unfinished Wordless Novel

I was on my back last night when I began to feel dizzy and it reminded me of the vertigo that I had four years ago, though last night I did not get sick but the dizziness frightened me.  I did not tell Rose because I did not want to frighten her but then I became too frightened not to say something. This vertigo reminded me of a print by Lynd Ward from his unpublished woodcut novel where the man is floating in a world of numbers and letters that does not make any sense. This woodcut was completed during the later years of Ward's life when he was suffering from Alzheimer's disease. It also brought back the day that I became aware that something was tragically wrong with me and went to see a doctor. That was actually the first (incorrect) diagnosis that the doctor suggested before an MRI was taken based on the fact that I could no longer speak correctly or remember simple things like the time of the day, the month and day of the week. I remember how helpless I felt and then, ironically how relieved I felt that it was not Alzheimer's but a brain tumor.  At least, I thought, I have a chance with a brain tumor...Alzheimer's spelled slow death.  I forgot how hopeless I felt and how quickly I grasped at any hope even if it mean dealing with radiation and chemotherapy.  And now I am grasping with a sense of hope that this vertigo will go away so that I can read or look outside without feeling sick. I close my eyes and wait and see what he has planned for me now?